Re-centering Body & Mind

By: Jess Erb, DPsychotherapy

Credit: Prudence Earl via Unsplash

The answer is yes and no!

A question that people outside of therapy often ask is “If I know what my problems are, why would I need to see someone about them?” And this is actually a great question. With friends, family and a good dose of self-awareness, why would it be helpful to find a therapist? 

In this article, I am going to give you the good and the potential negatives of seeking online therapy and psychotherapy, how to find a therapist, and why sometimes it might not be the best option for you. This is all from my opinion as a doctor of psychotherapy, so I think that you are in good hands for me to answer this question.

Let’s first look at the negatives of seeing a psychotherapist. 

#1 Seeing a psychotherapist can be expensive, especially if you have little to no insurance coverage. 

One of the biggest reasons I have heard people put off seeing someone like me is the cost of therapy. I get that, I am expensive! And even with more and more discussion on mental health being health, there is still an aversion to investing in ourselves and understanding how to have better relationships, better coping mechanisms, and, well, just being better at knowing why we do shitty things sometimes or act in certain ways.

Because of this, the cost of therapy can seem like a lot when we don't actually know what it might do to help us. Is it just talking to someone? Are we paying for a friend? What will it give me? These are all questions that can become barriers to this investment in one’s mental health.

And as a psychodynamic practitioner, there are no clear ways in which I will know off the bat how psychotherapy can help. I don't know you yet, and I do not offer a one-stop-shop for the care I offer. So it really does mean taking the plunge in order to see for yourself if therapy is worth the cost.

#2 Seeing a psychotherapist most often means you will feel worse before you start to feel better. 

Think of it this way, most of us have developed coping mechanisms — often from childhood — and these have protected us in many ways from the hurts that we have faced early on.

Bear with me for a moment: sometimes I have a pretty disgusting way of talking about these past pains. It is like having a wound that we have covered with gauze. And because the gauze is thick and helps to hide our pain (i.e., our defensive coping mechanisms), we can sometimes forget it is even there. Sometimes, though, we are faced with the knowledge that there are still wounds from our past that we have not yet allowed to fully heal. The gauze protects us but does not actually do anything to heal us. 

Seeing a psychotherapist is like starting to pull off this gauze. It’s going to hurt like hell for a while as we unpack things we may not have talked about for years or even decades. This painful process is a necessary part of psychotherapy. But it is not for everyone. 

Talking about trauma — which we specialize in at Centred Self — means that we are bringing up pain, hurt, abuse, and trauma that we may have tried to run from. But, like the gauze, though we have protected ourselves, it is still there. 

And seeing a psychotherapist is like pulling off this gauze and cleaning the wounds underneath. Will it hurt? Yes, of course! But that means that we can actually heal what has caused us pain. 

Soooo, if you are wondering if psychotherapy is worth it — ask yourself this: Is the gauze doing enough for me right now? Or would I benefit from actually cleaning my wounds underneath? 

 Credit: Towfiqu Barbhuiya via Unsplash

#3 Sometimes we are just not with the right psychotherapist or in the right modality to help you therapeutically. 

Not all psychotherapists are created equal — sorry to all psychotherapists out there who may be offended by reading this. But it is true. There are some that are, frankly, better at their jobs than others. 

What makes a good psychotherapist?

First, their own self-awareness. If we have gone through the pain that we are about to make you go through (see point 2), then we should damn well have gone through this work ourselves first. Too often, psychotherapists “just want to help others,” but as Hawkins and Shohet (2000) say, “We all have darker motivations for doing this work” — which they call the Shadow of our practice. Knowing who we are and what has motivated this work means that we won’t try to have clients meet our needs instead of us learning what our needs are in the first place. And we then know how to meet those needs ourselves, learning who we are in the process. Then we can allow clients’ needs to come first in the therapy process.

A good psychotherapist is someone who can meet clients in the depths of what they are bringing because they have done this work themselves. They do not need ‘progress’ from clients to make them feel like good psychotherapists. And they are not scared of what clients are bringing. 

Second, a good psychotherapist knows who and what client population they want to work with. I do not offer solution-focused therapy. It is not my jam. I love to dive into the psychodynamics of seeing interconnections between our past defenses and how that is causing us pain now. This means that I never start sessions with a client knowing what their problem is. Rather I am beside clients as we discover this together. It is enlivening for me. And often means that I am not providing a band-aid approach (this gauze example from above), but rather allowing clients a chance to really dive in.

However, if a client wants to work on their fear of spiders or they’re afraid of flying — I most likely am NOT the right fit for them. Seeing someone more solution-focused might make more sense. I mean, you will want solutions to this real problem, rather than us spending sessions diving into your why of the problem. I can admit this. And I do my best at Centred Self to refer to someone who is more apt to help with this problem.

A solution-focused therapist (like CBT or DBT) may not be as good at working with highly intelligent clients who know the problem and ‘why’ they do these things, but still find themselves doing it. They need someone who can meet them in their self-awareness and walk them to a deeper understanding — this is where psychodynamic and other relational therapies thrive. 

If you do not have a therapist who knows this, well, you may not be with someone as self-aware and can have your best interests at heart. If you want to know how to find the right therapist for you, learning whether you want solution-focused therapy or would benefit more from exploring the root of the problem is half the battle.

Bottom line: If you are not actually ready to dive into your problems — maybe life is going really well right now and you want to keep it that way? — then I would say that seeing a psychotherapist might not be the best option. 

BUT, if you are ready to start to unpack some of the past, and work towards greater self-awareness, find a psychotherapist who can really help you. Our self-assessment quiz is a great place to start if you want to learn how to find a good therapist for you.

To find out more about the benefits of psychotherapy, read on!

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#1 Psychotherapists allow for a depth of understanding yourself that you can’t get from a friend or family member. 

This is an amazing thing that online therapy with a psychotherapist can bring. We are not your friends or family, and this is a good thing! Instead of us having a stake in the narrative, we instead are there to pay attention to YOU, your themes, your tendencies, and your interconnections (especially in psychodynamic work). 

Seeing someone weekly or bi-weekly gives you a chance to be with someone who is invested in your development. And unlike a friend, we often can see things that they either cannot or maybe are too afraid to say anything about because they don’t want to risk the friendship.

#2 Depth of self that you may never have known existed before.

With time, you and your psychotherapist create a new relational pattern. In the psychodynamic world, this means that each session grants a deeper and deeper picture of who you are. And this means that we can start to see inconsistencies with behavior, or dive into the depths of things that may be too scary to talk about with friends, as we are not burdened by your story but rather enlivened by it. 

The depth to this understanding of self means that you are able to know what your triggers may be and this gives control over them rather than them controlling you. 

In my opinion, and I am a psychotherapist, so take this with a grain of salt, only a psychotherapist can do this because we are trained and skilled to listen in a way that no one else can. We look for themes, know how to challenge you, and are always there when life hits you. 

#3 Think of psychotherapy as a weekly, bi-weekly, or monthly check-up for your mental health.

Many of my clients who have been seeing me for years want to continue our work together because the deeper we have gone, the deeper we can go. It is like climbing a mountain to see what other hills and valleys are in the wider landscape. As we climb one mountain of self-awareness, we can see what else there might be to work on — something that might have seemed impossible before starting this journey. 

Another great benefit of working with a psychotherapist in Toronto is that we often ‘look back’ on how far we have traveled, and while you may think of all you still have to do, we are able to show you that the very things that might have first brought you to our office no longer even concern you. It’s pretty cool to see that kind of growth in yourself.

Bottom line, psychotherapy is worth it if you want to invest in yourself and want to find a therapist who can be that fit for you along the way. Not everyone is ready for that launch into mental wellness, and that is okay. But if you are reading this and feel like you are, reach out to us today to see if online therapy can help you.